The Devil You know (2)

Now, repeat with me “This world is one continuous sad trip, with little breaks of happiness once in a long while.” I think I told you so already!*

You want to get the girl. Show me your credentials! Let me eyeball it! Swagz equals zero. You can’t even dance. No, don’t tell me. You can dance when you are alone. It’s the nervousness. Next, you will tell me you can sing as well. Get serious and stop kidding yourself. What kind of Yoruba man can’t dance? You know that saying “White men can’t jump and black men can’t swim”? We are going to add a special clause for you by yourself only – “and this black man can’t dance”

You won’t say anything? Don’t worry, I will do the talking for both of us. You won’t even pray? Or maybe you can’t? I knew it all along! Yesssssss! Welcome to the dark side Oh son of the dark lord. Accept it! It’s your destiny! You are one of us! Stop resisting.

Didn’t I tell you your happiness will be short lived if I had anything to do with it?* What have you done now? Did you feed her pet parakeet to the neighbor’s mangy cat? No, that’s not it. Hmm! Yes! I remember! It was that profile picture you set on your BB when you were going at 100Km/hr and feeling like Evel Knievel. Did you remember that whispering going on telling you to be careful? That was your angel or Holy Spirit. I can’t tell which is which. I gave up a long time ago. They are like a pair of conjoined twins with ESP. Saying the same things all the time.  But don’t you see? That’s their problem. Whispering stuff. Why can’t they just hit the nail on the head and say “Don’t set that profile picture!”? Myself, I was the one shouting over the radio, egging you on to set the picture. Remember when you saw that picture on a contact’s profile several days ago? It looked nice with the hearts all bubbling out. It gave you a warm feeling hey? I knew it would come in handy at some point, so I was happy when you saved it to your phone. Fast-forward a couple of days later and hey presto! An opportunity presented itself on a platter of Gold. Am I a prophet of doom or what?! If my legion friends were here, you won’t be able to hear me over their deafening applause even though inside they would be completely green with envy and jealousy.

And the profile message? Didn’t you set that several hours before you set the picture? Excerpts from the lyrics of that golden oldie by Sonia? Well, combined with the picture, I knew I had an ace in the hole! You did that all by yourself buddy! No thanks to me. Were you even thinking at all? You knew the line was drawn in the sand and you accepted the terms of the uneasy reconciliation, and yet you decided to cross it.

Cross the line and go to jail. Lock the cell and toss the key. Hang your head and curse your fate. Smoke some weed and be at peace.

I wish that was a nursery rhyme, but I made it up just for you “me Lord”. Don’t you just like it? Does it not reflect your mood and your condition? Don’t go blaming me. Didn’t that contribute to escalating the issue the last time – blaming everybody but yourself? And don’t go trying to invent any more excuses. Just man up! Grow a pair! Shame on me for drawing your name out of the hat. I would have done better with that little thieving urchin down the street!

So you think she would just ignore it? Smart boy you. Ignore it hey? Well, she ignored it all right. You got served buddy! Dropped you like a dead parakeet? Why my fixation with the parakeet? You are sure she doesn’t have a pet parakeet? Serious? No parakeet? A parrot then? No parrot? I would have thought … but that’s beside the point. The point is that you are now in the shithole. But don’t worry, I am here to keep you company. We shall mourn your loss together. But truly, what were you thinking? Sorry, I forgot, you weren’t thinking.

Well, I hope to see your eye mist over when you see her with Mr. Right (or maybe not, but definitely a better looker with a bucketful of swagz) a couple of months from now – knowing fully well, that you drove her into his arms with your “I want, I want, I want” attitude. And don’t worry, you don’t need to pray for her, she doesn’t want your prayer. She will choose right or wrong herself, and unlike yourself, she will lady-up and stick with her decision. May be we should use “man up” for her and “lady up” for you, you sissy? Get off your behind and go out there and do something.

What? You don’t want to? Seriously? Don’t tell me. You are still thinking about the 3 little words that got you into this mess in the first place. How dumb are you? When did “No” mean something else? Even I know the meaning. Two letters. Two letters I say! And you with your age and education, you can’t get it into your thick skull that “she is not into you”. Go get some swagz and come back, then die the white hair on your head black and straighten your back. Don’t forget to swear an affidavit while you are at it that you lost your birth certificate but that your age is “now” 26. Then maybe you will have a chance in hell! Ha Ha! Hell! I have a way with words if I say so myself.

And what do you know of love? You selfish bastard! Thinking only of yourself and what you want. If you know anything about love, you would have respected the boundary – you would not have crossed the line. Read my lips. You are selfish! Let me spell it out for you: S,E,L,F,I,S,H. Love is not selfish. Let it go and it will return to you if it is yours. But no, you want what you want now! Blockhead!

I know you are not making me talk to myself. I am sure you are not. I just know you are not. I can bet my last Dollar on it that you are not – or are you? Otherwise I can dig up more from where that came from. At least she took your call if only to say “Bye” but if you really get me going, that would be a walk in the park.

Can I offer you some advice? No? You don’t want any? You don’t trust me? Well, I don’t blame you. If I was that great, I should have taken my own advice and then I won’t be stuck down here with you, but that’s water under the Brooklyn bridge. Is there a bridge in Brooklyn? With water under it? Or was it the Mississippi I was thinking about? Anyways, where was I? Yes, I remember. Trying to offer you some sagely advice. But why bother, I think you are doing enough damage by yourself without my help. But you know I am always here for you. Till the end of time and beyond. You will never walk alone! Go Gunners!

But I must say I like your style. Go out in a blaze of ignominy! Even if I put my mind to it, I couldn’t have done it better. You, you evil genius.

Excuse me a minute.

Hello? Yes? What! He is doing what? On the way to church? In church already? Going forward for the alter call? You nincompoop! Why did you wait so long to contact me? Prayers were blocking your transmission? Fool. How long must I have someone like you as an apprentice? You detestable minute thing. You mole on my nose. You itch where I must not scratch in polite company. You, …, you, … you, …. . Lord help me!

Please, hold that thought. I will be back soon. My apprentice is flunking his test. And if he fails, who do you think they will blame. I need to cut out of this joint briefly. Don’t do anything stupid while I am away OK? Like sending your infamous SMS. Let me get back and we can do more damage together. I will BRB!