G.E.L (Gays, Extremists and a little pink Lamp)

So let’s start with a disclaimer. This blog post is meant to be rude. Don’t read too much into it. I am now going to start from the beginning … or as close to it as is possible.

NOTE: I am not homophobic. I am not homophobic. I am not homophobic. I am not homophobic. I do not hate LGBTs nor anyone for that matter. Even if everybody hates Chris, that does not include the “Little dude from across the street. Lemme hold a dollar” guy. Well, you can look at me like that fella except without the implied “I will beat you up if you don’t comply” threat. We good? Good. Shall we?

So I bought a rechargeable lamp a week or so ago. It is mostly white but with a little pink. I didn’t think too much of it at the time and didn’t really use it much until tonight. Well, the 9KVA generator tried to pull a “spontaneous combustion” on me last night (well, actually it was the plug on the cable that tried to do that, but I guess one can’t blame it – after all, it can’t tell a holy day apart from a weekday). Anyways, tonight I whipped out some tools and decided I was going to fix it since NEPA (the power supply company) had not deemed it fit to supply electricity throughout the weekend. There was still some juice in the Inverter but I wasn’t going to wait until it was completely dead.

But I digress. So I had the lamp on the kitchen table and my cousin once removed (truth be told, I can never seem to get that “removed” thing straight. She is the daughter of my much older cousin) comes into the kitchen, sees the new lamp and goes “Isn’t that a little too pink?” to which I responded: “I am connecting with my gay side.”

Which of course got me thinking and that is how “we” arrived at this blog entry.

Now, I don’t have anything against gays (or more appropriately LGBTs – that’s Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Transvestites). Having said that, so that people know where I stand in the ongoing debate (not the one about whether there is a global “Gay Agenda” or not), I would rather prefer that all gay people are straight (says the chap who has never had a girlfriend – but that as they say, is another story).

So anyways, I cut the two cables from the burnt plug (fully convinced that I could tell them apart), only to return later with an older plug I found lying around to discover that the two cables where actually the same colour! I called up a friend who is a mechanical engineer (but into the Inverter business) and he said it is unlikely that I would do any damage no matter how I connect the cables (neutral and live) but just to be sure I don’t mistakenly reverse the polarity, he would have his electrical engineer staff come around in the morning to fix it (fortunately while I was battling the plug, NEPA, a sure member of the pantheon “brought” the electricity supply back!).

So I abandoned my electric dreams and went back to the kitchen. There was a whole smoked chicken to cook and fry, along with some Irish potatoes (cook only). So there I was at 38, scraping away at the skin of a couple of potatoes (no, I am not talking about myself. I am younger than 38. I was referring to my twin who turned 38 back in April). Now I don’t have anything against peeling potatoes. In fact if I do get married, whoever the lucky (opinions may differ of course) lady is, we will man the kitchen together for as long as she wants me there. What I am saying is that I do know how to be a couch potato – I don’t mind sitting back in the parlor and knocking back a few or playing with whatever console (game) is available along with that 55-inch OLED TV and 7-speaker surround sound system (just saying).

But again I digress. What I was saying is that I don’t believe all that nonsense about “I was born this way” (Lady G. can literally lick my … and if you want to sue me, make sure it’s in the US of A. Don’t forget to send a one-way ticket while you are at it. I can be your house guest while we duke it out in the court system and the court of public opinion – whatever that is worth nowadays).

I warned you before. This post is “rude.”


Now, I concede that there is something to be said for “predisposition.” We will consider “predisposition” along with “environment” as they are invariably linked. Let me explain. Take a boy who has 5 sisters. Let’s say he is not the first born but somewhere around the middle. Now there are several possible outcomes.
One, if he is effeminate to start with, he may grow up to be:
a. just still effeminate, or
b. gay (“wow sis, that dress looks great on you, but I bet it will look even better on me!”), or
c. just a regular chap who has seen it all (maybe even jaded), or
d. Terror on the girls.

Two, if he wasn’t effeminate to start with, we could probably cross out option (a) above.

If any of that doesn’t make sense, you are in good company. I don’t understand it either. Nothing to lose sleep over.

Which reminds me of a pair of twins we had back in my secondary school days. I went to a boys-only secondary school. They were reasonably alike but definitely not identical. Very good footballers so they were quite popular. But they had another skill up their sleeves. They both had a tendency to want to share several juniors’ beds. I think they were lonely (tongue in cheek). Well, it got to a point where what they were up to became common knowledge. In addition, certain of their “victims” started walking “funny” (the Yoruba term was “gan-di” as in “gan-di rin” – “walking uncomfortably with the buttocks jutting out or as if they had something between their legs” – that’s actually not very explanatory – all men have something between their legs – but you get my meaning I am sure).

Well, one Saturday, the whole boarding house ganged up on them. An assembly was called, where they were named and shamed. Then the whole student body (boarders) literally ran them out of the hostels and the school. I can’t for the life of me remember whether they actually finished their education in the school (may be as “day“ students if the shame wasn’t too much – but definitely not as boarders!)

Their case is probably an aberration. Two twin brothers! On the other hand, maybe they were “experimenting” between the two of them before they then found themselves in the much more “fertile” grounds of the boarding house.

But I digress. So I told my cousin I was getting in touch with my gay side. Let’s leave that there for a minute shall we.

But what has extremists (in the subject) got to do with all this? I am glad you asked. If you live in my country and you don’t know what “Boko Haram” is, stop reading right now. Go over to Google and “google” the term. When you are familiar with the term, come back here – I am not going anywhere soon. Unless of course the second coming happens, in which case if you are still reading this, then you are in a shitload of trouble and you better start praying that “Boko Haram” gets you soon!

If you still don’t know who or what “Boko Haram” is, here is a brief explanation. They are a group (or several loosely affiliated groups) of extremists who have sworn against “Westernization” in all forms. They have caused untold damage to lives and properties in the country. The government finally woke up one day, suddenly had an “Eureka” moment and decided “we won’t take their shit anymore!” and sent the military to put them down. That “engagement” is still ongoing.

Now, while I continue to pray that common sense prevail in this country, and we somehow get beyond our tribalistic agendas which are holding us back as a nation, one should still plan for all contingencies. After all, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Arc (that’s not an original saying from me – I borrowed it). Though it is highly unlikely (they thought the titanic couldn’t sink), there is a chance (even if it is one in 170 million) that this country may become the fiefdom of the extremists (God forbid bad thing!). But I am prepared – can you see the “tuft” on my chin? If you are  a man and you don’t have one, better start growing one now – the difference between keeping and losing your head may just be that fuzz on your chin!

Now, as I have said before, I do not know if there is (or not) a “Gay agenda”. But if we swing to another extreme possibility, and we become more gay than not, then I am prepared as well.  All I need do is whip out my pink-white lantern and I am totally in there (as in “Everybody hates Chris” in-there)!

Which brings us back full cycle to where we started from. No one has a right to hate another (or another’s way of life – you may of course dislike their way of life – but that’s totally different from hate – and it shouldn’t prompt you to do heinous things). God gave us all free will (to choose). We can try within reasonable limits to convince another of what we think is right or wrong, but under no circumstances should we turn that to hate or denigration (of the party or parties with different sociological “leanings”). If indeed someone’s way of life bothers you, the only way you can achieve lasting change is to show constant love – let your own way of life convince the person.

I have to stop this now before I start ranting. Before I am labeled a right-winger. I am not a right-winger; neither am I a left-winger; I don’t belong to the center either. I am a “can’t we all just get long?” kind of guy (that was from Rodney King).

At last, I think with that I have succeeded in convincing you (as opposed to my learned colleague) once and for all, to make love not war! You are probably wondering why I am so excited (same here too). It is either I am going to win the lottery tomorrow, or the sugar and alcohol in the bottle of Coca-Cola and Smirnoff Ice I took just as I started writing this article that’s responsible (“I feel good!”).
“Kids, don’t mix Sugar and Ice, hmmn-kay.”

18/06/2013 (01:34AM)

4 thoughts on “G.E.L.

  1. So, you are a man? Good to know how to address you sir.
    Hmmmmm, I attended both mixed schools and single school. Because my dad was on transfer so I attended like 3 secondary schools. (Laughing) What happened in your school sir happens everywhere. I was almost a victim too. Thanks to the creator that I am not a stupid person who forgets his / herself when sleeping. I am always vigilant even though naked to bed. Everyone has gay side jare.

    I guess the white colour of the lamp actually attracted you. No crime committed but if I happen to be a woman as your cousin said, I would say the same to you sir. The lamp shape too is funny self. Imagine the nylon on it and the rubber band. HABAAAA ( http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/cartoon-drawing-laughing-man-14658751.jpg. Cant just but laugh ooo.

    Thanks for not making this write-ups not difficult to understand unlike some of your poems. I don’t know how to interpret poems unless a girlfriend wrote it for me. I like to read love poems. Smile….

    And not all women want their men with them in the kitchen. Assuming I am a woman, I don’t think I will appreciate it if my husband comes to the kitchen, since he is my king and I am the queen, I prefer him to rub my shoulders when cooking just to say well-done or to rap his hand around my waist and leave the kitchen. Anyway, thank God I am a man. (Smile).
    But your use of words, it gets as the thing be ooo. You are soooooooooooooo. Anyway.

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