OPEN LETTER TO MARGARET (1:30am 02-April-2008)

(Spoiler alert – this piece is not complete!)

Dear Margaret,
Yesterday was the first of April. After thinking till my head hurt about what prank to play and who to play it on, I came to the realization that all the people within fooling distance were fools and may not appreciate emphasis being placed on their foolishness on a hot day in April.
I got on a scale this morning and discovered that I had sweated 2Kg off in the last week and not through exercising but because of the heat. It is literarily as hot as hell and my conviction has been strenghtened that come hell or high water I must make heaven! There is of course no better wish/prayer for a person on this side of the pearly gates than the saying “May you be in heaven 5 minutes before the devil knows you are dead.”
I do not (of course) intend to go soon but as they say “sh*t happens.” Apart from the heat everything is dandy.
Now that the plesantries have been done, I think I will proceed directly to the meat of the matter for which I am disturbed enough to decide to write you at this early hour.
I have given it much thought and come to the unfortunate conclusion that this thing between us won’t work and there is no future in it.