I am sitting in a wicker chair on a wooden platform jutting out over the lagoon. The DJ is rocking out Tupac’s “Change” on his turntable. There’s some wind so the humidity is not too bad. 

The lights of Ikoyi are visible in the dark across the lagoon.

The fellow on the next table just lost his phone. He got up but was a little tipsy. He tripped and the phone went flying. He scrambled for it but was no where quick enough. There was a soft plunk when the phone hit the water. I only heard it because I was on the next table and watching. 

He signaled to one of the attendants. She told him if he leaves his details they will see if it can be retrieved the next day. She didn’t sound too hopeful. 

I signaled her over and asked if that happens often. She said more often than they care to count. 

Do the phones ever get retrieved and handed to the owner. Her response was a polite version of “ain’t nobody got time for that.”

I smiled. She asked if I needed anything. I said no. She walked away. 

I leaned over the rail and looked into the water. I fancy I can see the phone but it’s just my imagination. There’s no light over the water so it’s just black.

I wonder if there’s “reception” (GSM signal) down there. Something I have to google later.

Do mermaids make calls? Are there even mermaids in lagoons?

The DJ and I are the only people on our own. He has no choice. I guess I do. But the concept of choice is tricky and can be deceptive. For example, should one rather choose the company of someone you find obnoxious rather than be alone?

I stretch my legs. That’s at least one benefit on being on a table that’s supposed to sit four by myself. 

If you think about someone all the time and they in turn think about you all the time, it’s love. If it’s one sided, then it’s infatuation or obsession, what’s up with that? Don’t answer that. Ignore. 

I am not a “drinker”. I don’t know how to “stretch” a drink out. If it’s in my cup, I tend to down it. Then stop. But that’s not social. But I am alone so who cares. But then the eagle eyed attendants is likely to swoop in and ask if I need a fresh bottle. I have learnt to eat ice to fill in the gaps, but I don’t have any. Maybe I should ask for some. I still have an hour to kill. We will see. 

Someone observed that ladies go around in threes. One main beauty and two sidekicks. Not sure it’s always true. What’s the equivalent for men? One dominant and two less aggressive sidekicks? Since I am alone, that makes it me, myself and I. Wonder which one is dominant and which two are the side kicks. That’s a joke, I am not even slightly tipsy. 

“I hope this night lasts forever. … Makes me happy, makes me feel this way. …” 

Note to self, “Keep phone well away from the water.”

The guys on the next table ordered pepper soup. It smells nice. But I am not really hungry. One of them commented that the price of anything you order while seated out here is 50% more than if you were inside. That’s news to me. Makes no difference though. I just imagine that I was going to order two bottles. But still, that’s some expensive breeze.

The phone guy finally leaves. I hope he makes it home. I think people are more dangerous when they are almost completely wasted. They disagree with you on everything and think the little control they still have makes them superman or something. That’s a disaster waiting to happen when they get behind the wheels of a vehicle. At least a completely wasted person who can’t even make it off his seat is likely to be driven home if he’s with company.

Time passes slowly.

I wonder where you are, and who you are with, but that’s infatuation, so I put on a happy face for the attendant who showed up with my bill. Maybe I should have ordered that second bottle. But that would have made me like my “phone friend” who just left, and “I ain’t that guy.”

Time to pack it in and hit the road. There’s church in the morning. 

Major Complaint

Major Complaint

Open letter to all world governments and all you fu*ktards up on top messing up the planet.

I know you’all have something for lists and as I am a busy guy (y’know, going to and fro), I will use one. I am aiming for clarity here. After all, we can’t have people escaping their due rewards on a technicality.

1. You are making too much noise up there and it’s getting so we can’t here ourselves scream from toasting in the fires anymore. You are way too loud. Screaming from pleasure shouldn’t be louder than screaming from pain. Duh!

2. We are getting headaches down here from you stomping all over the place up there. Partying it up, blowing each other up, drilling everywhere you see a hint of “shiny black”, then being cry babies when things go wrong? WTF!

3. All those BeyoncĂ© wannabes need their vocal cords cauterized. They need to leave the torturing to me. Their lame a*s attempt is lowering the worth of the word alright? When people start using the word lightly like in “Oh. He’s torturing my ears”, it is just plain annoying for perfectionists such as myself. That’s not torture, that’s just more noise. And ain’t nobody got time for that. Shout out to BeyoncĂ©, Nikki and Yeezus. I am a huge fan. In fact I am a groupie. I hope we get to meet. But bring your own big daddy chairs OK? Only so much ego can fit in the one I have down here and yours truly is already in occupation. (More people on that list, but I don’t want to bore you with my own personal playlist).

4. Global warming is real. How else do we explain things are getting slightly cooler down here? What are we going to have next at this rate? People down here getting brain freeze on badly mixed pina colada?

5. Stop digging around so much in the earth crust for oil. You are putting pigs to shame and the sound is driving us crazy and we don’t like the loose soil and rocks fallen through on our heads. Not to talk of the oil. Which is not of the right quality for basting sinners you know? It may sound ironical, but Crude is too flammable even if I say so myself. What we aim for down here is a “slow burn”. After all, what’s the hurry. We have got eternity to burn (pun intended). 

6. By gosh, if one more person accuses me wrongly I am coming up there to cause a major raucous. If I did all those things I have been accused of, I had be omniscient and where does that leave us? Two Gods ruling in the affairs of men? Common, get real!

7. When you die, your a*s is mine. Literarily. So show some respect now and stop writing my name with a small “d”.

8. Which one of those fu*kboys you call presidents is going to unleash the dragon, sorry, a nuclear weapon first? Frankly, I am not seeing the sort of foot traffic I expect down here for the level of debauchery going on up there. My money’s on that little fu*ktard over in North Korea who has a “bad hair day” every day. I think I should go press his buttons a little harder.

9. And if you don’t like my tone, I’m sorry, frankly I don’t fu*king care. If you end up down here, my tone would be the least of your problems. In fact, I would be aiming for perfect pitch from you while you scream in pain and terror. 

10. One last thing, the Internet has become too slow down here and it’s disrupting my ability to monitor what you’all doing up there. The NSA has got nothing on me. So I need someone really smart to come take a look. The smart as*es down here are just such cry babies! A little pain and they can’t clean the snort off their faces long enough to run even a simple DDOS attack. Bill, Jeff, Richard, Larry my man!, Mark, Elion, Eric, any one? Any takers? Don’t keep me waiting. 

The fact is I don’t like the idea of the “second coming” any more than you sinners. But that shit’s going to happen sooner or later, but in the meantime, “can we all just get along?”


The Big D with the big D. (If you don’t like my title, go jump off some tall bridge, I’ll be waiting for you)