The Devil You know (2)

Now, repeat with me “This world is one continuous sad trip, with little breaks of happiness once in a long while.” I think I told you so already!*

You want to get the girl. Show me your credentials! Let me eyeball it! Swagz equals zero. You can’t even dance. No, don’t tell me. You can dance when you are alone. It’s the nervousness. Next, you will tell me you can sing as well. Get serious and stop kidding yourself. What kind of Yoruba man can’t dance? You know that saying “White men can’t jump and black men can’t swim”? We are going to add a special clause for you by yourself only – “and this black man can’t dance”

You won’t say anything? Don’t worry, I will do the talking for both of us. You won’t even pray? Or maybe you can’t? I knew it all along! Yesssssss! Welcome to the dark side Oh son of the dark lord. Accept it! It’s your destiny! You are one of us! Stop resisting.

Didn’t I tell you your happiness will be short lived if I had anything to do with it?* What have you done now? Did you feed her pet parakeet to the neighbor’s mangy cat? No, that’s not it. Hmm! Yes! I remember! It was that profile picture you set on your BB when you were going at 100Km/hr and feeling like Evel Knievel. Did you remember that whispering going on telling you to be careful? That was your angel or Holy Spirit. I can’t tell which is which. I gave up a long time ago. They are like a pair of conjoined twins with ESP. Saying the same things all the time.  But don’t you see? That’s their problem. Whispering stuff. Why can’t they just hit the nail on the head and say “Don’t set that profile picture!”? Myself, I was the one shouting over the radio, egging you on to set the picture. Remember when you saw that picture on a contact’s profile several days ago? It looked nice with the hearts all bubbling out. It gave you a warm feeling hey? I knew it would come in handy at some point, so I was happy when you saved it to your phone. Fast-forward a couple of days later and hey presto! An opportunity presented itself on a platter of Gold. Am I a prophet of doom or what?! If my legion friends were here, you won’t be able to hear me over their deafening applause even though inside they would be completely green with envy and jealousy.

And the profile message? Didn’t you set that several hours before you set the picture? Excerpts from the lyrics of that golden oldie by Sonia? Well, combined with the picture, I knew I had an ace in the hole! You did that all by yourself buddy! No thanks to me. Were you even thinking at all? You knew the line was drawn in the sand and you accepted the terms of the uneasy reconciliation, and yet you decided to cross it.

Cross the line and go to jail. Lock the cell and toss the key. Hang your head and curse your fate. Smoke some weed and be at peace.

I wish that was a nursery rhyme, but I made it up just for you “me Lord”. Don’t you just like it? Does it not reflect your mood and your condition? Don’t go blaming me. Didn’t that contribute to escalating the issue the last time – blaming everybody but yourself? And don’t go trying to invent any more excuses. Just man up! Grow a pair! Shame on me for drawing your name out of the hat. I would have done better with that little thieving urchin down the street!

So you think she would just ignore it? Smart boy you. Ignore it hey? Well, she ignored it all right. You got served buddy! Dropped you like a dead parakeet? Why my fixation with the parakeet? You are sure she doesn’t have a pet parakeet? Serious? No parakeet? A parrot then? No parrot? I would have thought … but that’s beside the point. The point is that you are now in the shithole. But don’t worry, I am here to keep you company. We shall mourn your loss together. But truly, what were you thinking? Sorry, I forgot, you weren’t thinking.

Well, I hope to see your eye mist over when you see her with Mr. Right (or maybe not, but definitely a better looker with a bucketful of swagz) a couple of months from now – knowing fully well, that you drove her into his arms with your “I want, I want, I want” attitude. And don’t worry, you don’t need to pray for her, she doesn’t want your prayer. She will choose right or wrong herself, and unlike yourself, she will lady-up and stick with her decision. May be we should use “man up” for her and “lady up” for you, you sissy? Get off your behind and go out there and do something.

What? You don’t want to? Seriously? Don’t tell me. You are still thinking about the 3 little words that got you into this mess in the first place. How dumb are you? When did “No” mean something else? Even I know the meaning. Two letters. Two letters I say! And you with your age and education, you can’t get it into your thick skull that “she is not into you”. Go get some swagz and come back, then die the white hair on your head black and straighten your back. Don’t forget to swear an affidavit while you are at it that you lost your birth certificate but that your age is “now” 26. Then maybe you will have a chance in hell! Ha Ha! Hell! I have a way with words if I say so myself.

And what do you know of love? You selfish bastard! Thinking only of yourself and what you want. If you know anything about love, you would have respected the boundary – you would not have crossed the line. Read my lips. You are selfish! Let me spell it out for you: S,E,L,F,I,S,H. Love is not selfish. Let it go and it will return to you if it is yours. But no, you want what you want now! Blockhead!

I know you are not making me talk to myself. I am sure you are not. I just know you are not. I can bet my last Dollar on it that you are not – or are you? Otherwise I can dig up more from where that came from. At least she took your call if only to say “Bye” but if you really get me going, that would be a walk in the park.

Can I offer you some advice? No? You don’t want any? You don’t trust me? Well, I don’t blame you. If I was that great, I should have taken my own advice and then I won’t be stuck down here with you, but that’s water under the Brooklyn bridge. Is there a bridge in Brooklyn? With water under it? Or was it the Mississippi I was thinking about? Anyways, where was I? Yes, I remember. Trying to offer you some sagely advice. But why bother, I think you are doing enough damage by yourself without my help. But you know I am always here for you. Till the end of time and beyond. You will never walk alone! Go Gunners!

But I must say I like your style. Go out in a blaze of ignominy! Even if I put my mind to it, I couldn’t have done it better. You, you evil genius.

Excuse me a minute.

Hello? Yes? What! He is doing what? On the way to church? In church already? Going forward for the alter call? You nincompoop! Why did you wait so long to contact me? Prayers were blocking your transmission? Fool. How long must I have someone like you as an apprentice? You detestable minute thing. You mole on my nose. You itch where I must not scratch in polite company. You, …, you, … you, …. . Lord help me!

Please, hold that thought. I will be back soon. My apprentice is flunking his test. And if he fails, who do you think they will blame. I need to cut out of this joint briefly. Don’t do anything stupid while I am away OK? Like sending your infamous SMS. Let me get back and we can do more damage together. I will BRB!

S.U.P.E.R.M.E.N.

Six months ago, a mail was put in my box.

I say put because it was obvious it wasn’t sent to me. The subject made it impossible for me to ignore it. The content was to say the least very strange. Ultimately, the actionable part of the message was that I would receive a call on a certain date at a certain time. And that the caller would address me as Mr. Anderson. The choice of name wasn’t lost on me, partly due to the content of the mail. I could easily relate the name to a character in a popular sci-fi film. I was intrigued and a little bothered at the ease with which my account was broken into and the “familiarity” demonstrated in the mail hinted at a party that knew a lot (much more than I would have liked) about me. I set up a reminder and on the specified day, I was in a suitably quiet place as the mail had suggested – on my own.

My phone rang at 2PM on the dot to the second.

“Is this Mr. Anderson”

“Yes” I had decided I would play along.

“Do you know who is calling?”

“No”

“Let me rephrase that. Do you know what this is about?”

“The mail in my box”

“Good. I am going to explain a few things and ask a number of questions. If at any point you decide you are not interested, say goodbye and hang up.”

“OK”

“Do you believe in God?”

“Yes”

“Do you believe in the Bible”

“Yes”

“What do you think of people such as Noah, Methuselah, Abraham, Isaac and co.”

“God’s people”

“We have looked at the articles you put up on your site. Do you remember the one on Methuselah?”

“Yes”

“What was the point of the article?”

“I set out to show that Methuselah died the year of the great flood.”

“So did the flood kill him?”

“It is possible, but there is no way to know for sure. The Bible made no mention of it.”

“How old was Methuselah when he died.”

“969”

“Do you find that plausible”

“It sounds a little far-fetched in the face of current evidence, but because I believe the Bible is the word of God, I believe it is true. Yes”

“Do you think it is possible today to live to that age?”

“No. No one has come close to even a quarter of that since a long time ago. Also one need only look at people over 90 to know that it is impossible. And even if it were, it’s questionable whether anyone should desire to live that long – loss of virility, frailty, dementia, loss of mobility, etc.”

“Good point. But what if it is possible to live to say 200 and still be as healthy as a 50year old?”

“Well, in that case, it may be acceptable.”

“What do you think of people that don’t believe in God or people that don’t believe in your God?”

“Well, I would hope that at some point before they die, God would reveal himself to them so that they have the same chance as I have.”

“So you don’t detest them?”

“No I don’t. Why should I? People are human beings first and foremost. And we all stand equal before God whether we believe or not.”

“Do you think there are people alive today that will live up to 200 years?”

“No”

“I see you follow developments in various fields including certain ageing-related researches.”

“Yes”

“Why”

“I am intrigued about the possibilities”

“So you think there is indeed a possibility that living up to 200 is possible.”

“Yes. In the future.”

“What if I told you there are people alive today that will all other things equal, live to 200years.”

“I would not say it’s impossible. I know that public knowledge is always several years behind cutting edge science in certain areas.”

“Do you mean a cover-up conspiracy?”

“No. Not necessarily. Someone once said the witchcraft of yesterday is the science of today or something similar. I believe sometimes, the public may not be ready for certain information. I see no reason why such information may not be withheld as long as it is not purposefully harmful to people.”

“Would you like to participate in a programme that offers certain benefits including longevity if it were possible?”

“Yes”

“What if there are side effects?”

“Then it would depend on what the side-effects are., I assume since we are talking longevity, it won’t include purposefully killing myself. And also hopefully, I don’t have to sell my soul – that I wouldn’t do”

“No. No soul-selling involved.”

“You have – if I may put it that way – certain physical defects?”

“Yes”

“What do you feel about them?”

“Well, if I may put it this way, I would feel much better without them”

“What if I tell you that they can be corrected?”

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure”

“But would you be interested?”

“Can you tell me more?”

“No. If I may paraphrase Ms Pelosi, you would have to join the programme to know more”

“My mama told me there had be days like this – and she warned me not to listen. She spoke of lifelong anti-rejection drug use, and so on”

“When was this?”

“20-25 years ago”

“She might have been right then. But we have come a long way since then. More importantly, what are you going to do?”

“I think I will go with my guts on this one – I am listening”

“Nothing much more to say. Let me say we are not working on making people live to 200years. We are in the realm of 500years. And let me add that we are not seeking to be God or usurp God. We just believe that science can offer more opportunities to live better than we are currently doing.”

“Do I take it that you have answered in the affirmative on joining the programme?”

“Yes”

“That quick? Do you think this is a hoax?”

“For some reason, no.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“Why me?”

“Why not?”

“Maybe. But I think there is more to it than that.”

“True. We need open-minded people – on certain subjects. In addition, we believe in involving certain types of people whose make up will show the most positive difference under the programme parameters”

“One last question. I am going to paint a scenario. And you will give me an answer. There are no right or wrong answers, just answer as truthfully as you can”

“Ok”

“You are in a room with a terrorist and your girlfriend (assume you have one – I know you don’t). The terrorist has a detonator in his hands and is threatening to level the city. He kicks a gun with a single bullet in it in your direction. He orders you to shoot your girlfriend who is in the same room or else he will level the city. Your family (sibling, parents, etc.) are in the city as well. You pick up the gun and look at the terrorist and then at your girlfriend. What is your next move.”

“I attempt to kill the terrorist with the single bullet”

“What if you miss?”

“Well, he detonates the bomb and we are all dead. There is no proof that if I kill my girlfriend, he still won’t detonate the bomb. I love my family, and I assume I love my girlfriend, so I am sure my family would rather I take the chance of saving everybody rather than kill my girlfriend.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“Is there really no correct answer?”

“Actually there is a correct answer. When presented with extremes, we want people that will take what we describe as “positive” chances. People who hold all people equal irrespective of believes or colour. People who are willing to believe anything is possible. People with obvious flaws. People like you Mr. Anderson.”

“Welcome to the programme Mr. Anderson. You will be contacted very soon with more details.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, does this programme have a name?”

“Yes, I do mind your asking. And I am not at liberty to tell you. But when certain aspects of it become public knowledge soon, people will come to refer to the programme unofficially by the acronym “S.U.P.E.R.M.E.N.”

“You are at liberty to use everything we have discussed up to this point in any way you see fit. But subsequent communications and contacts must be treated with utmost secrecy and not discussed with anyone – not even your hypothetical girlfriend – no exceptions”

* * * * * * * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * *

I know you want to know if I have been contacted. I am not at liberty to say, but I don’t think I need to, do I?

All children are God’s gift to us.

I am putting this up because I think it is one of those subjects that is difficult to “broach” for all parties involved no matter how close. I am of course like the doctor in the movie “She is out of control” – I am not married not do I have any children, but I think I should mention this.

All children are God’s gift to us.

But sometimes parents look for a child of a particular sex – male or female.

There are ways to “try” and achieve this – though no method is 100% foolproof, but some have relatively high accuracy rates. It is worth given them a shot if you are in this “situation”

I was discussing this with my mum a week or so ago and she mention that I would be surprised how relatively unknown this quite old method is.

The main method I know of (due to my “background”) is the “Billings” method. There was a book on the method (developed by a Dr. Billings) on one of our bookshelves back when I was growing up (I suspect my early teens). I used to read almost anything back then including browsing through my Dad’s huge medical textbooks! I would look at the picture and read the text as well – presentations, stages, surgical procedures, etc. We had these huge set of Encyclopedias back then as well, and I would spend hours reading all sorts of entries (people, places, wars, etc) and imagining/day-dreaming what it was like being then or there.

But I digress, so the Billings method is definitely worth given a shot. I think it’s one of the methods that (may) have some science backing it. There are several others (some region/culture based) and even others that are based on “Old wives” tales or what people “think” should logically hold true. From a related entry (for the Billings Method) on Wikipedia, the method is used to avoid or achieve pregnancy (the article does not appear to mention the possibility of using the method to determine the sex of the baby though)

Please look up the method. It is better to locate someone (in the medical field) with experience in the method rather than go it alone (which may be possible if you have good attention to details and understand certain basics).

I can provide an experienced contact if anyone is interested (in the Billings method).

All children are God’s gift to us.

Happy birthing!

Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billings_ovulation_method

The problem with those health tips

So, a family member sent me the following important health tips which look quite simple, but on closer examinations, are probably next to impossible to follow in this neck of the woods.
My “realistic” (I hope you know a joke when you see one) comments are after each tip.

1. Answer phone calls with the left ear.
Very few people are going to even remember this one except possibly “lefties” who don’t count since it comes natural to them. The girls are going to use whichever ear makes them look sexier whn they swish their hair in order to answer the phone. The guys have the Bluetooth thing (does it turn their brain blue or bring on the blues in the long run?) going on unless they need to hold the i-tab-pad to their head for effizie purposes.

2. Don’t take your medicine with cold water.
Well, if you don’t mind going to the water dispenser (and we all know the trip to the dispenser is for getting an update on who is doing what and the water is an afterthought, don’t we?) to mix hot and cold to get the mixture at room temp – too much work for all the office seat-potatoes! In this fast-paced (only on the computer and on the roads) world, very few people would take the time to for this one unless it kills them.

3. Don’t eat heavy meals after 5pm.
No 24/7s here. Eba, Amala, Tuwo, Garri, Yam, heaps of rice, pick your choice!
Well, I have heard many an African man complain (when asked about the paunch) that “it’s the dinner. But you don’t want women wahala O! If you no eat, them go think say you don get someone outside who is feeding you.” (Lame excuse, eat a little portion, not demolish a bowl and a half of eba on that pretense). On the other hand, vegetables that could have constituted evening meals cost an arm and a leg in this country where  the basic preservation options don’t exist.
And the rich that can afford to eat healthier meals want their assorted “meat” dishes!

4. Drink more water in the morning, less at night.
This is definitely doable. Most people drink “alternative” (alcohol) water at night anyway (especially the men). Now if only one could convince them to drink more water in the morning instead of trying to use coffee to cure their hangovers!

5. Best sleeping time is from 10PM to 4AM
In which town? The middle-class live too far away from their workplaces and the rich party all night till dawn. Who else is left? The kids. Oh? Rich kids hang out at the mall till odd hours or watch Satellite TV and the parents wake up the “other” ones early so they can drop them off on the way to work.

6. Don’t lie down immediately after taking medicine.
Completely against what most people who are ill enough feel inclined to do. Unless, we get the doctors to tell them that if they lie down, the drug will go to their heads and make them crazy – you only need to mention “crazy” and “ market” in the same breath and you should have total obedience (certain tribes believe that once a crazy person enters a market, there is no cure for the craziness)

7. When phone’s battery is low to last bar, don’t answer the phone, cos the radiation is 1000 times stronger.
The only way to get people to at least think twice about this one is to circulate a professionally photoshopped image of someone whose brain has been parboiled. You may then have some hope with this one instead of people shouting into the phone “Hello! Hello! Speak up! My battery is low!” while trying to jam the phone inside their ear!

Can u forward this 2 people you care about?
Well, I can certainly do that 🙂

I once knew a man
Who was good and nice as one could be
A friendly ear when trouble comes
A sagely advice from time to time

One night death knocked at his door
The man offered death a seat
“Dear Death” he said,
“tarry a little for the night is cold
and a cup of tea would do a soul a world of good”

So death sat by the fire and sipped on freshly brewed tea
while the man told tales from his past
Comfort soon made death drowsy
And while he fought to stay awake
The man grabbed him by the throat

“What do you want of me?”, asked death,
“For you know I cannot die.
But the tea was good and the tales were better
So I will give you a chance to change my mind”

So the man told death tales of lost love and regret,
of lost chances never to be regained
So death patted the man on the head and said,
“Not today, I will visit the old crow down the road,
See that you set your affairs in order,
for you know not when next I will come.”

So the man found love and settled his past debts
and was as happy as a man can be in this world of ours.

Many years passed and death would from time to time drop by,
And bid the man good health,
And sometimes stay for a cup of freshly brewed tea.
For death had grown fond of him.
He was one of the very few who feared not death
deep in his heart where truths hide.

One cold and blustery night,
while lightening rent the skies
and thunder clapped the ears of frightened tots
Death came knocking at the door
The old man opened to find death standing there
with cap in hand and head slightly bowed
“My old friend”, the old man said.
“I am frail and slightly bent,
but who am I to complain?
I have lived and enjoyed life.
The night is cold and wet,
won’t you tarry a little and have a cup of tea?”

So death sat again by the fire, in a comfortable chair and holding a cup of tea.
While the old man told tales from a life lived to the full
Death was soon asleep, and the old man watched his weary brow
and let him alone till it was almost dawn
Then he shook death awake and bid him rise
“It’s almost dawn.
Let us leave before the house awakes,
it is better that way, and we have a journey to make.”

So death bid the old man rest a while.
And soon he was in peaceful repose.
And with his hand on the old man’s shoulder,
death opened the door and whispered with respect
“After you my old friend.”

The Devil You Know

D: You know, this is not going to end well for you – said the man in the mirror.

Me: Who are you? Why am I even listening?

D: Oh? I am shocked you don’t know who I am. Been with you since the day you were born. Your own personal devil. Always at your service good sir.

Me: How can that be? I have the Holy Spirit!

D: So says you. You have or may not have an angel as well. What does that matter to me? Different rules apply down here. Up there, I may not go. Down here, “As you people say, it’s a free world.” So chin up, the field is always ripe, and there is plenty of fruits to pluck. Though I am ashamed that for my own personal human, you haven’t been doing any plucking, and it’s affecting my KPA! Now,  the last chap I was assigned to, he was a different ballgame altogether – “ball” game, you get it? (Smirk) Ha Ha! We were together till his last breath. In fact, after I saw him off, I got a promotion for a job well done! Those were the good old days! But you on the other hand, are cramping my style and “falling my hand O!”

Don’t look so glum. Yeah, I know, she’s written you off completely as a feckless, callous, unfeeling, son-of-a-b***h. I think you made her cry. It’s OK to make women cry when they are fully totally in love with you, in fact you can get away with almost anything including murder. But it is a no-no when you are still shuffling your feet at the door. That tentative feeling they had for you, well, it gets converted into pork-steaming hate. You are a gonner buddy! The sooner you accept it the better.

Me: But I can’t sleep. I can’t think of anything else. Why am I even telling you all these? Your dad is after all, your dad is the father of all lies.

D: You can’t sleep? How is that my problem? I don’t sleep either. We can keep each other company. And who are you gonna tell? The pope? Take it from me, I don’t tell all lies. In fact, the amount of lie in anything I say varies from 100% to 0% when I think the truth will aid my goal.

OK, OK. Let me tell you a little truth. I have been in contact with her personal devil. And it ain’t looking good for you buddy! If you were a nice cut of beef, sliced, diced, parboiled and served with a side of fresh veg., she had eat you for lunch at this point!

Me: How do you know that?

D: Don’t get slow on me now. Well, we can’t actually read your thoughts, but your faces and actions give the game away all the time. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know it wouldn’t make a difference: you write stuff down and tell stuff to your friends and families. Well, I can read, and there is no law against eavesdropping. Can you even call it that? It’s not like I am there backing you, and pretending not to be listening, is it? In fact, I am looking over your shoulders and reading as you write and going “Yeah! Yeah! Give it to them! Way to go buddy!”

Me: So what am I to do? Any hope?

D: So now you are asking me for advice?

Me: Scratch that! No! I was thinking out loud.

D: If you say so. But you know all liars shall have their portion, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. A lot of anything is a good thing right? Carry go!

You have been digging portholes all these while and tripping over them. But this one takes the cake! It’s like bringing in a motorized digger after exploding a ton of C4. And don’t forget falling in afterwards. You are up the proverbial sh*t creek without a paddle, and in a strait jacket. What you gonna stir with? Your legs?

Me: I didn’t do it on purpose. Never meant to hurt her.

D: You can tell yourself that all day long till the cows come home and the stars come out. But it aint gonna do you a world of good. Your goose is cooked and your bacon is deep fried. And don’t let me even get started on your steak.

Me: And what is with the American-speak?

D: Well, I got that a while back. A century ago to be precise. My work involves a lot of travelling you know. See, I was with this America dude. Great guy if I say so myself. And that is saying a lot. Because those were the dark days when men got religion like there was a fire in their britches! But he was having none of it. He was dead drunk the day he kicked the bucket, and was screaming and cursing like a crazy bedbug till his heart finally gave in. Ha! Ha! I almost died of laughter (almost, mind you, I can’t actually die). But hey, enough about me. What are you going to do? I could proffer a solution or two, but since you don’t want my sagely advice, let’s hear what you have in mind. It’s not like you have been doing a bad job until now, is it?

Anyways, thanks for the drama. I was getting old watching you pick your nose in slo-mo! At least now, I have something interesting to pass along to the crew rather than be the bore of the party.

Let’s go!

You need to give up. Some things can’t be fixed. And I am telling you this is one of them. After all, I should know. I thought I joined the winning team back in the beginning, but boy, was I wrong?!

(Silence)

D: Can I make a suggestion? It works every time. Now listen to this. If you were to die, all your sins would be forgotten and forgiven. Immediately. I have never seen it not work. Just crash your car going 220Km/hr or jump down from the top of a tall (at least 20 floors) building. She won’t even remember what it was you did that was wrong! How about it? Will you at least consider it? And let me know what you think?

(Silence)

Me: How can I get you out of my head? I need to think.

D: Technically, I am not inside your head. I am at your shoulder. I am on the left shoulder, and your so-called angel is on the right, but I think he’s got a sore throat since you can’t hear him.

“Hey bro, who you been kissing? Better get that throat looked at. Looks nasty. Could be the death of you I hope.”

See? No answer. So, he is either not there at all or I am right about that sore throat. What sort of angel gets a sore throat? Fakes and hacks I tell you.

You really should give him the old heave-ho once and for all. At least, we know what I am here for. To get you in trouble. But what has he ever done for you? In fact, the chap is getting me into a right old mood. Let’s just ignore him.

Now, where were we? Yes. I remember. Me proposing suicide and you accepting it. When are you gonna make that jump buddy. I will try not to watch. Blood and gore are not exactly good for my constitution. But I will be there all the way with you buddy. All the way down! You will never walk alone! Let’s do it. Let’s do it now. Let’s show them buddy! Let’s show them we have got balls of steel and can do anything we want. Yes, we can!

Me: Will you kindly go away. I have to pray.

D: Why would you go and do such a thing? I thought we were connecting on a really deep level and you want to go and spoil that?

“Oh Lord! Maker of the Universe …”

D: Darn it! See you later. I gotta bounce”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(Several Hours Later …)

D: Why are you laughing? I hope you are not humming as well? Has the price of sugar fallen? Did we elect a new governor and I didn’t know about it? Did you hit the mother-load?

Me: No. But no thanks to you, we are good again.

D: Who are these “we” and what are we good about?

Me: Yeah, you can pretend all you want. It was only this morning you tried to convince me that it was never going to work out.

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Me: What is that noise?

D: It’s me hitting my head against the wall hard enough to crack a coconut. You should try it sometime. Does wonders when you have c**ked up something. And you get to repeat “Darn! Darn! Darn!” under your breath as well.

Well, I give up. But that makes how many friends you got? 3, 5 or 7? You have got nothing on me! I have so many friends, they are coming out of my pores. They are legion. Get it? “Legion”

And are we not going to celebrate this? I can have my friends over in a minute. And don’t worry about needing space for the party. We don’t mind being packed tighter than a can of Sardines. There is enough space on your shoulders and in your coconut for us. Let’s get this party started!

And another solution to your problem (which I know will soon return). Once we get the party started, we can drive you stark, raving, mad. Don’t forget the stark part. Stark naked. Nothing to be ashamed of. Even Adam was stark naked in the beginning, and don’t believe that business with the leaves. Didn’t do a damn thing. He only needed to look at Eve, and well, the leaves stopped working.

Any-hoos. It’s like I gotta bounce for a while. You ain’t cooperating. And I have got other eggs to fry – other bacons in the fire. Be a good boy while I am gone and be a little bad eh? Just a little. Just for Daddy eh?

Taking offence I called you a little boy? Boo Hoo. How old are you? 30, 40? That doesn’t even register on my calendar. I have been around since this joint was established. That ought to tell you something.

And don’t be too happy OK. You know what they say, “This world is one continuous sad trip, with little breaks of happiness once in a long while.” Well, this break is about to end soon – if I have anything to do with it.

Oh? So now, you won’t talk to me again? Giving me the cold shoulder? Pretending you can’t hear me now are we? No problem!

You know I know you will soon be writing stuff down again and I will be right there with you, reading your every thought.

Me: “Oh Lord! Maker of the Universe …”

Me: Mallam Abdul! How far! Make we meet for the Suya joint tonight?

Abdul: No problem. For Maitama right? And no dey call me Mallam again. Otherwise I start to call you Pastor. Which one you be sef. Catholic or Protestant?

Me: No, not in Maitama. The one close to central now. I be Christian. Any one you call me I answer. You prefer Alhaji? You go remember arrange the usual eh? Make we get some company. Ha ha ha!

* * * * * * *

Abdul: Wetin dem put for this Suya tonight? I fit eat am till morning.

Me: I agree with you. I must congratulate the Mesuya myself. It is really good.

* * * * * * *

Wow! I thought the floor rose up a moment ago. It must be the beer. But I am on only the third bottle. I feel so thirsty. Where is the bottle. Where is Mallam Abdul? The ladies? Where is there so much dust in the air?

* * * * * *

Did I fall asleep? At least the dust has cleared, but I feel so sleepy.

Is that blood on the floor? Why are there people all over the floor. Is that Mallam Abdul over there? Where is his face?

I think I need to get up. I can’t seem to move.  Are those my legs over there?

I think I will just lie still and watch them. In case someone tries to steal them.

I will need them to walk home.

* * * * * *

I can hear sirens. But I am so tired. I think I will lie down for a while. I will shut my eyes briefly. Just for a few minutes. I must watch my legs. And there is fresh Fura De Nunu in the fridge. If they take the power supply, it will spoil.

* * * * * * *

Am I dying. I feel so drowsy. It’s not so bad. I can’t feel a thing.

* * * * * *

Voice: “Hello Mister. Can you hear me? There has been an explosion. We are taking you to the hospital. Can you stay awake for me. Tell me your name.”

* * * * *

Voice: “Darm it! I think we have lost him.”

* * * * *

Me: The chicken suya was especially tasty tonight. Where is the cook? He did a very good job. I should tip him. Maybe when I wake up. I need to sleep a little first. I am so tired.

* * * * *

BOUNTY

You can always tell when there is going to be a shootout, the trick is not to be the ass that starts it.
The shifty eyes; the fidgety hands; the rapping knuckles; you just need to “see” the signs. Five men in this god-forsaken bar. All trying not to look at me. I have had bounties on my head before, but so far, I have still got my head. Which means one thing – no one has been able to collect on any of it till now.

The worst thing one can do in such a situation when it starts is to try and make it out through the door. That’s the easiest way to get on the highway to heaven. I have seen men stand in surprise just before they hit the dirt floor and looking through them at the noonday sun – actually, through the holes in them. So as usual, in the first couple of minutes after I enter such an establishment as this, I knew without looking where every window and a couple of weaknesses in the walls lay.

So when it started, I was out through the window with sixes in both hands. I laid on my back with my eyes on the window I had just come out through. I am not going to try to run immediately. A bullet in the back is just as bad as one in the chest – I am having neither – not today. I knew one of the degenerates in there is going to come flying through that window sooner rather than later. I didn’t have to wait long. He was in the air when I let him have two. Now there were two of us lying on our backs outside the building: the difference was that one was looking up at the sun while I still had my eye on the window. I knew the smarter ones would have guessed I didn’t run, so I was about to have company round one or both sides of the building. Rolling on my side and getting on my knees in one fluid movement, I had both sides covered. But I had to move. If there was still an idiot in the building, he could start sending hot lead through the walls at my back.

You can’t second guess yourself in a situation such as this. Make your decisions and stick with it. If you are wrong and lucky, you had be dead even before you knew about it. I make my own luck. I tossed a small rock on the ground round one corner and made immediately for the opposite corner. The shithead that gets the rock will start shooting, and hopefully, the idiot round the other bend will rush in thinking he had a fair chance of getting in the fray from behind my back. Well, I was waiting at the corner of the building when he came galloping up like the light Calvary. I stopped him dead with 3 rounds to the belly and one to the chest. Time to reload.

I did a quick tally and came up short. From the racket I had heard after my hurried exit through the window, I assumed there was at least one feller looking up at the rafters inside. And in case you didn’t catch my drift – dead as a dodo. So, not counting the bartender, I supposed there were at least 2 dogs still hoping to chew my bacon this hot afternoon. I needed to get those odds down as fast as possible. Well, I had help from unexpected quarters. A shot rang out from inside the bar, followed by the sound of shuffling feet coming out the front, and what sounded like someone dropping a sack of potatoes on the floor. It couldn’t be the barman. He was behind the bar when the ruckus started, and he looked like he could hold his own if it came right down to it. Well, whoever it was. I was always glad for a helping hand.

I made it quietly round the corner and came face to face with the biggest, hairiest, ugliest looking roughneck I had seen in a long time. I remember he was sitting in the corner of the room and I was thinking who the hell released king kong from his cage. I think he was a little “slow” because he had no guns and was swinging his hands and making fist cuffs as if he wanted us to engage in a fist fight. Well, I have had a few fist fights in my time and I could give as well as I got. But I know when the odds are stacked against me. I moved in for the kill and shot the bastards toe off, then socked him on the jaw with my gun. He dropped on the spot and rolled over. I put one in his ass – you don’t want a man with a grudge riding after you in this part of the country. That bullet in the butt ought to keep him from getting on a horse for quite a while.

Where there was five, now there was one. I was feeling better already. But I knew better than to get cocky. Better men than I have died in less complex situations. You would have expected that with the odds more or less evened out, I would go in guns blazing and close the deal in style – not my style.

Me: “Yo! You at the bar. I know you in there. I know you fixing to collect on my head. So what’s it gonna be? Are you gonna come out or I come in? Or I can walk away without you following for at least a couple of hours. Your choice.”

No response. I assume he was weighing up his chances.

Barman: “Are you as good as they say you are? If yes, let’s do this the old-fashioned way, man to man. I am coming out.”

I couldn’t believe my luck. Where was this this guy from? A duel, really? As soon as I saw his foot come out the front door, I sent him right back inside. Carefully walked up to the door, peeped in and saw he wasn’t about to palm another gun in this lifetime.

Coughing up blood, he tried to speak “Don’t you have any honour?”

Me: “Honour. No, I left it back in the last town I visited with my dead wife and young son.”

Stepping over him and one other dead body, I went to the bar and poured myself one.

Time to move on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  THE END  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

NOTE: I think I have found my muse.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

A play in two acts.

(For D…)

Act 1: The city court

Clerk: Order! Order in court! The court is in session. His honorable, Justice Y. Justice presiding.

Justice: Mr. Court clerk. What case do we have before us today? (Under his breath, “I am getting too old for these early morning cases.”)

Clerk: Case number HCT/KY/1828214. The Plaintive versus the defendant. The first defendant is charged before this honorable court with causing willful, grievous, undue, undeserved and avoidable emotional and physical injury to the plaintive  on the 25th day of April. The case further alleges that on the date so noted, the defendant shot an arrow and wounded the plaintive while out hunting on land owned by the plaintive. Both parties being neighbors by reason of nearness of abode. The case further alleges that the defendant attempted to justify his actions. That the defendant showed no remorse for his actions and did not at any time following said incidence, contact the plaintive to offer any apology or assistance.

Judge: (To defendant). How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

Defendant: Not guilty by reason of incapacitation?

Judge: That is a new one. Do you care to shed more light? And why are you not ably represented by a lawyer – either in your employ or one chosen by this honorable court?

Defendant: Your honorable, on your second question. I chose to defend myself because I believe as one of the parties involved in this case, I know the surrounding issues, both causal and resultant, very well. And if I say so myself, I have read up on one or two points of law with reasonable precedence to the case with which I am charged. As to your first question, I am incapacitated, because on the day of said incidence, I had unfortunately broken my eye-glasses and was therefore out minus them, and in addition, I am partially deaf in the opposite ear.

Judge: Who let this farce into my court? My good man, how come you went shooting when you could not see? And who gave a deaf man a permit to hunt within distance of habited dwellings?

Judge: I have the greatest inclination to throw the book at you without …

Defendant : (Cuts in). By the way, your honorable, I like your name. “Y. Justice” Indeed! Why Justice!

Judge:  Are you inebriated by any chance?

Defendant: No your honorable. If anything, I am having a sugar deficiency as I haven’t eaten a good meal since I was locked up by the law.

Judge: So do you still plead guilty or not?

Defendant: Not guilty my Lord by reason of incapacitation.

Judge: Let the records so show.

Judge: Would my honorable colleague representing the plaintive please proceed?

Lawyer: My Lord, due to the “personal” nature of the matter, my client wishes to say one or two things at the start with respect to the events on the said day.

The plaintive is duly sworn in under oath.

Judge: Please proceed.

Plaintive: Thank you my Lord. I have been neighbors with the defendant for about a year. In general, I have found him friendly and good company. We agree on many things. In general, I keep to myself as much as possible, but he was friendly enough when he moved in to the next door property, and he seemed personable enough at the time. Indeed I have had him over at my place a few times with no incidence. To the matter at hand, on the said day, I saw him with a bow and arrow in the morning. I was not going to say anything, but after seeing him trip over a couple of times, I was concerned and accosted him. Wanting to know what the matter was. He duly informed me that he was going hunting. From the way and direction in which he looked while talking to me, I was of the opinion that he could not see properly, so I asked what the problem was, if any, with his eye sight. He kept insisting that he could see very well, and as we now know, he was blind as a bat (excuse me) without his glasses. I pressed him and even offered to accompany him, but he brushed me off, and told me to mind my own business, which in itself was quite a shock. An hour or so must have passed, and I was working in my garden when all of a sudden I felt an enormous pain in my leg, and what do I find on looking down? An arrow! I almost fainted. I made it indoors and called the emergency services who fortunately responded quickly enough otherwise I might have been shot a second time, because as he later said, he thought he had missed the stag and it was getting away, so he ran after me with the intention of getting closer to fire another shot. I would have let matters rest had he attempted to offer an apology after the incidence; but instead, he ignored me and went about his business as if nothing had happened. Therefore, I sort recourse in the law in order to prevent the possibility of a similar event in the future.

Judge: Thank you lady, you may step down.

Judge:  (to the defendant) How do you respond?

Defendant: Thank you my Lord. In response, I shall start by telling a tale of my own. After all, there are two sides to every story. On the said day, I had woken up with an unreasonable and unholy craving for venison. And since during my previous forays into the nearby fields, I had caught wind of several prime stags in the past, I thought it would be a good idea to bring out the old trusty bow and arrow and see if I still had what it takes. I used to be a competitive archer.

Judge: When did you last hunt before that day?

Defendant: To tell the truth, I can’t truly recall. But that should not detract from a good story. As I was saying, the only thing on my mind on that day was venison. Unfortunately, in getting out of bed in a hurry, I knocked my glasses off the bed-side table unto the floor and subsequently stepped on it. After raining curses on all the animal gods trying to prevent me from a good meal, I set out that day in an unfriendly frame of mind. I met my gracious neighbor seated over there (pointing at the court’s bailiff who was standing well away from where the plaintive was seated). The conversation went much as she has narrated, but I did not mean to be rude to her. After all, I have spent many a cold winter’s evening by her fireplace since I moved in next door, with a warm blanket on my knees and a mug of fresh hot coffee in my hand. I admit I should have owned up to the fact that I could not see clearly – note my Lord, clearly, not – not at all. But it was a thing of pride and obviously embarrassing so instead I was gruff and rude – eh – bordering on obnoxious.

I thought I set out away from the immediate area. And I felt I must have gone a fair distance into the fields. I  did not know I had returned to the general area of the houses when I spotted what I thought was a stag in some low bushes in front of a rock (actually it turned out to be her house). I immediately took aim and let one loose. As I have said before, I am deaf in one ear, and the noise I heard afterwards sounded to me like a wounded animal trying to get away, so I gave chase. The only thought was of ensuring I had venison for breakfast that day. It was after I collided with the little fountain statue in front of her house that I realized I was not in the forest any longer. I was in this bewildered state when the paramedics came and it wasn’t long before the law enforcement officers came and I was arrested.

Judge: I am amazed at your behavior. Your excuse is your cravings for meat? Do you know that despite your unjustifiable action, you could still have avoided being here today before this court, if you had taken steps as any reasonable person would do to appease the plaintive afterwards? Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Defendant: No your honor. Since the matter was an accident. I did not believe the plaintive will bring me to court. In fact, I attempted to establish contact a month or so later, but unfortunately, I had the bow and arrow with me again (as I was going hunting again but this time with my new glasses) and she would not let me in, talk less of listening to me. In fact, she threatened to call the police.

Judge: You mean you went hunting again? After the damage you caused the previous time? Hope you didn’t shoot any other human being? Or should I be looking forward to seeing you again as the defendant in another endangerment civil suit?

Defendant: No, your honor.

Judge: From what you have said, I do not see any merit in prolonging this case longer than is necessary. What does the plaintive seek by way of compensation or damages?

Lawyer: My Lord, my client seeks the following. A. An injunction against the defendant that he shall not purposefully come within 200 feet or arrow-travelling distance of my client. B. That as he is a danger to the public, he shall be compelled to move house forthwith with his new residence wherever that may be, not less than 100miles from the current above of my client. C. That he shall not attempt to contact my client at any time. D. My client of course reserves the right to be civil to him upon any chance meeting in public.

Judge: Thank you. Is that all? No monetary damages sought? No prison terms? I find the requests pretty lenient and I find myself seriously considering a stiffer sentence given how much worse this matter may have turned out, and the unnecessary danger the defendant constituted to himself and the general public on said occasion. In addition, I find his attempts to offer a plausible explanation in defense of his actions irresponsible to say the least. Before I pass my judgment, does the defendant have anything to say for himself?

Defendant: My Lord, having sat here listening to my neighbor, apologies, the plaintive. I have come to terms with the distress I caused her due to my un-thoughtful actions. Not to talk of the physical pain of having an arrow sticking out of her leg and requiring a hospital admission to extricate the said arrow. Indeed I have to agree that my attempts at justifying my actions were obnoxious, calculated at getting off with no sentence or liability, and a cause of further pain and distress to my gracious and very beautiful neighbor. Excuse me your honor – very beautiful plaintive. In truth, I am a man very much inexperienced in the ways of the world, and had high hopes of “something” developing in between myself and said plaintive in future. All of which I realize now I have put in great jeopardy. For all her friendship and accommodation, all I have offered in return is pain and distress. I therefore place myself at the mercy of this honorable court, ready and willing to bear whatever sentence my Lord deems fit for my crimes, but at the same time requesting that my Lord temper justice with mercy.

Judge: Having noted your change of attitude, would you like to amend your initial plea?

Defendant: Yes my Lord

Judge: Yes?

Defendant: Guilty as charged on all counts.

Judge: Much better. We shall now proceed ….

Defendant : (cuts in). One more thing my Lord.

Judge: Yes?

Defendant: As I said earlier, I shall accept whatever punishment this esteemed court sees fit to administer, but might I request through the services of my honorable colleague representing the plaintive, that her justified demands be adjusted a little to exclude  the request that I forsake all contacts with his client, and the request that I move abode be excluded as well? And further, that his client would forgive, and if not forget, allow my despondent self a second chance to prove that the said occurrence is but an unfortunate inexcusable chance behavior on my part? That having said the above, I shall be willing to do anything his client deems fit to redeem my esteem and estimation in her eyes, and if possible return to the times  before said unfortunate event, when we shared several happy meals in companionship, and the distant possibility of something … eh … more intimate?

Judge: That is a lot to ask for. You have practically asked that the plaintive throw away her whole case against you. Not only that, the offence you are being charged with includes an element of danger against the public of which I have no doubt the public prosecutor is going to take up once this civil case is over. Having said that, I shall give the plaintive a chance to respond before delivering my judgment.

Lawyer confers with client. Plaintive glances over several times at the defendant during the cause of the discussion in low tones. Several shakes of the head. The defendant looks even more despondent.

Lawyer: (clears throat). Your honorable, my Lord. Plaintive requests an adjournment (if the defendant has no objections) so as to further consider the matter due to the change in circumstances.

My Lord, let it be duly noted in the records that A. The decision to bring this case before this honorable court was not taken lightly by my client. It was a result of the unfeeling, callous, rude and unreasonable behavior of the defendant after the said incidence. That B. My client reserves the right to request that the court consider her previous demands with a view to enforcing them should she at a later date, length of validity to be decided by this court, after due deliberation, decide to enforce her public rights to a safe dwelling environment, unencumbered by weapon-totting neighbors; her inalienable right to live a life of comfort and peace as guaranteed by the laws of the land, with no fear of emotional or physical injury being visited upon her person.

Judge: Thank you my esteemed colleague. Let the records so show. This court session is hereby adjourned.

Judge bangs gavel on desk.

Clerk: All rise, while his honorable Justice Y. Justice exits the court.

Fade to black while Lawyer confers with plaintive and bailiff moves towards defendant.

*********************** END ***********************

NOTES:
Maybe it’s appropriate that I wrote it during a period I could not “think”, since the issue on which the play is loosely based also happened at a period I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Having said that, I hope the reader will get a chuckle or two from it. Though it’s no laughing matter for me personally.

I should have sent it to Lawyer Deji (my cousin) to take a gander at it before putting it up, so corrections on  points of law as it applies to such a scenario as depicted above are still welcome.

I suspect a few people will ask “where is the second act?”
I don’t expect it would ever be written unless of course I get hit with one of those “unthinking” periods (hopefully not!) or something happens to make me want to write it.