Major Complaint

Major Complaint

Open letter to all world governments and all you fu*ktards up on top messing up the planet.

I know you’all have something for lists and as I am a busy guy (y’know, going to and fro), I will use one. I am aiming for clarity here. After all, we can’t have people escaping their due rewards on a technicality.

1. You are making too much noise up there and it’s getting so we can’t here ourselves scream from toasting in the fires anymore. You are way too loud. Screaming from pleasure shouldn’t be louder than screaming from pain. Duh!

2. We are getting headaches down here from you stomping all over the place up there. Partying it up, blowing each other up, drilling everywhere you see a hint of “shiny black”, then being cry babies when things go wrong? WTF!

3. All those Beyoncé wannabes need their vocal cords cauterized. They need to leave the torturing to me. Their lame a*s attempt is lowering the worth of the word alright? When people start using the word lightly like in “Oh. He’s torturing my ears”, it is just plain annoying for perfectionists such as myself. That’s not torture, that’s just more noise. And ain’t nobody got time for that. Shout out to Beyoncé, Nikki and Yeezus. I am a huge fan. In fact I am a groupie. I hope we get to meet. But bring your own big daddy chairs OK? Only so much ego can fit in the one I have down here and yours truly is already in occupation. (More people on that list, but I don’t want to bore you with my own personal playlist).

4. Global warming is real. How else do we explain things are getting slightly cooler down here? What are we going to have next at this rate? People down here getting brain freeze on badly mixed pina colada?

5. Stop digging around so much in the earth crust for oil. You are putting pigs to shame and the sound is driving us crazy and we don’t like the loose soil and rocks fallen through on our heads. Not to talk of the oil. Which is not of the right quality for basting sinners you know? It may sound ironical, but Crude is too flammable even if I say so myself. What we aim for down here is a “slow burn”. After all, what’s the hurry. We have got eternity to burn (pun intended). 

6. By gosh, if one more person accuses me wrongly I am coming up there to cause a major raucous. If I did all those things I have been accused of, I had be omniscient and where does that leave us? Two Gods ruling in the affairs of men? Common, get real!

7. When you die, your a*s is mine. Literarily. So show some respect now and stop writing my name with a small “d”.

8. Which one of those fu*kboys you call presidents is going to unleash the dragon, sorry, a nuclear weapon first? Frankly, I am not seeing the sort of foot traffic I expect down here for the level of debauchery going on up there. My money’s on that little fu*ktard over in North Korea who has a “bad hair day” every day. I think I should go press his buttons a little harder.

9. And if you don’t like my tone, I’m sorry, frankly I don’t fu*king care. If you end up down here, my tone would be the least of your problems. In fact, I would be aiming for perfect pitch from you while you scream in pain and terror. 

10. One last thing, the Internet has become too slow down here and it’s disrupting my ability to monitor what you’all doing up there. The NSA has got nothing on me. So I need someone really smart to come take a look. The smart as*es down here are just such cry babies! A little pain and they can’t clean the snort off their faces long enough to run even a simple DDOS attack. Bill, Jeff, Richard, Larry my man!, Mark, Elion, Eric, any one? Any takers? Don’t keep me waiting. 

The fact is I don’t like the idea of the “second coming” any more than you sinners. But that shit’s going to happen sooner or later, but in the meantime, “can we all just get along?”

Signed. 

The Big D with the big D. (If you don’t like my title, go jump off some tall bridge, I’ll be waiting for you)

Rumble in Rhodesia

Rumble in Rhodesia

The third war has come
…. and stayed

Oil was all that mattered
Oil is all that matters
They will kill you just because you have a car
Then kill you a second time for the oil in your car

I have a gun
Every other bullet is a blank
The lion facing me is not all lion
Neither am I all man
We both are part flesh, part machine
My watch tells me I am 70
My body is only 40
The lion has armour
The man has armour

I could end it all
If I popped one in the mouth
But a coward I am not
Cowardly – yes, from time to time
Reminds me of what the girl said so long ago
I have spent a life time and a half making it untrue
I wonder where she is

The lion advances
It radiates neither hate nor love
It was engineered for one goal:
Its purpose

I was caught
Stealing food for one of my kin
No kin in the flesh
But kin because we roam the wastelands together
Together by chance and challenges
She has a baby
Not mine
But a baby is a baby is helpless

Look at the map of the world
If you can find one
Back to the conference in 1845 with a smattering of 1914
Old alliances, new allies
All enemies, no friends

It is just one long evening
Am I alive or is this a memory chip in some computing grid
The claws felt real enough
The pain went from my back up my spine to my brain
… and back

I put the lion down
But no joy in victory
The third war is still on
Hell has come to stay
We did not go down
Hades came up

No matter how hard I pray
I know I still have to pay

So I am sending out my thoughts
If you receive them
I hope you will answer
Look for me in the never-ending dusk
A mist; a wisp; a whisper; a memory; a Shade
A man
A machine
A thought
09/April/2013