Major Complaint

Major Complaint

Open letter to all world governments and all you fu*ktards up on top messing up the planet.

I know you’all have something for lists and as I am a busy guy (y’know, going to and fro), I will use one. I am aiming for clarity here. After all, we can’t have people escaping their due rewards on a technicality.

1. You are making too much noise up there and it’s getting so we can’t here ourselves scream from toasting in the fires anymore. You are way too loud. Screaming from pleasure shouldn’t be louder than screaming from pain. Duh!

2. We are getting headaches down here from you stomping all over the place up there. Partying it up, blowing each other up, drilling everywhere you see a hint of “shiny black”, then being cry babies when things go wrong? WTF!

3. All those Beyoncé wannabes need their vocal cords cauterized. They need to leave the torturing to me. Their lame a*s attempt is lowering the worth of the word alright? When people start using the word lightly like in “Oh. He’s torturing my ears”, it is just plain annoying for perfectionists such as myself. That’s not torture, that’s just more noise. And ain’t nobody got time for that. Shout out to Beyoncé, Nikki and Yeezus. I am a huge fan. In fact I am a groupie. I hope we get to meet. But bring your own big daddy chairs OK? Only so much ego can fit in the one I have down here and yours truly is already in occupation. (More people on that list, but I don’t want to bore you with my own personal playlist).

4. Global warming is real. How else do we explain things are getting slightly cooler down here? What are we going to have next at this rate? People down here getting brain freeze on badly mixed pina colada?

5. Stop digging around so much in the earth crust for oil. You are putting pigs to shame and the sound is driving us crazy and we don’t like the loose soil and rocks fallen through on our heads. Not to talk of the oil. Which is not of the right quality for basting sinners you know? It may sound ironical, but Crude is too flammable even if I say so myself. What we aim for down here is a “slow burn”. After all, what’s the hurry. We have got eternity to burn (pun intended). 

6. By gosh, if one more person accuses me wrongly I am coming up there to cause a major raucous. If I did all those things I have been accused of, I had be omniscient and where does that leave us? Two Gods ruling in the affairs of men? Common, get real!

7. When you die, your a*s is mine. Literarily. So show some respect now and stop writing my name with a small “d”.

8. Which one of those fu*kboys you call presidents is going to unleash the dragon, sorry, a nuclear weapon first? Frankly, I am not seeing the sort of foot traffic I expect down here for the level of debauchery going on up there. My money’s on that little fu*ktard over in North Korea who has a “bad hair day” every day. I think I should go press his buttons a little harder.

9. And if you don’t like my tone, I’m sorry, frankly I don’t fu*king care. If you end up down here, my tone would be the least of your problems. In fact, I would be aiming for perfect pitch from you while you scream in pain and terror. 

10. One last thing, the Internet has become too slow down here and it’s disrupting my ability to monitor what you’all doing up there. The NSA has got nothing on me. So I need someone really smart to come take a look. The smart as*es down here are just such cry babies! A little pain and they can’t clean the snort off their faces long enough to run even a simple DDOS attack. Bill, Jeff, Richard, Larry my man!, Mark, Elion, Eric, any one? Any takers? Don’t keep me waiting. 

The fact is I don’t like the idea of the “second coming” any more than you sinners. But that shit’s going to happen sooner or later, but in the meantime, “can we all just get along?”


The Big D with the big D. (If you don’t like my title, go jump off some tall bridge, I’ll be waiting for you)

Is that not poisonous?

Is that not poisonous?

Conan’s lady love asked him once “Do you want to live forever?” (right before she hopped and got herself killed – not entirely her fault, but “we” needed some reason for Conan to go on a quest and show off his swordmanship – or axemanship :-).

Well, probably not in this world. But heaven (most def!).

So I was out and about today (hey! not like the devil). I went to help a colleague pay for some credit on her mobile line (she is not in town and ran out of call credit).

On the way back this lovely “earthy” (equivalent to something roasting 🙂 smell hit me and I couldn’t but help look around for the source. It was a lady and her assistant under a bug umbrella canopy. She had a grill with Plantain and yam roasting on it.

Went up and inquired about the stuff. Had to wait for another customer to be served. She went away with took plastic bowls and a serving in a plastic bag (I suspect the former were for her bosses wherever she worked). In the process the seller opened a couple of other plastic coolers: one contained the stew and “pomo” (cow skin) pieces and the other contained fishes.

Well, I asked for two yam pieces, a plantain. Decided what the … and asked her to add one of the fishes and a couple of the “pomos”.

That right there in the picture above has shortened my lifespan by 6 months (I guess that’s what the dietitians would say). But who wants to live forever in this world right? All the good stuff will kill you 🙁

A friend saw me recently and commented that since I was packing on the pounds now, what would happen when I get married?

It’s temporary though. It was the journey “outside” that caused it. I generally can do with or without food. But once I am em away, it seems food is just everywhere waiting and begging to be eaten – not to talk of other stuff like choccy! I have a simple exercise regime that’s better than nothing but I need to wait a little to get back into that until I fully recover from my recent close encounter with a wooden chair

Well. Let me leave the keyboard and get down to it. The only thing missing is a bottle of fizzy drink to ensure the whole thing congeals nicely in my belly. Well, don’t let’s shock the health-police too much. They might have a heart attack!

NB: 2x yam pieces @100; fish @150; 2x pomo @100; Plantain @150. Total = 450 Naira.

You can’t sell your soul to anyone

You can’t sell your soul to anyone

There is a falsehood that has been propagated down through the centuries: “that a man can sell his soul to the devil” – this is a lie of the devil (literally). You cannot legally sell what is not yours. A conman may be able to sell another’s property and even get away with it. But you cannot sell what is God’s in the same way: even the devil is not in a position to buy it from you. The devil cannot buy or own a soul. True, a man may make a pact with him such that in exchange for worldly goods and influence, the MAN does (conscious decision) things that would make him certainly destined for hell, but the devil cannot force one into hell, nor can he take someone’s soul from him (by force or otherwise). Where the soul ends up is based solely on the man. So all those stories about the devil showing up at the end of one’s life (look up Mephistopheles for example) to take away someone’s soul to hell is pure B.S.

Mark the date!

Mark the date!

It’s Monday morning. I sit quietly at the tube station watching the hustle and bustle going on around me. While waiting for my relations to show up, I decided it was a good time to put down what I was thinking about yesterday night.

Since the “date” is around the corner, I think I should pitch in my bit to stir up the pot a little.

Let’s start by what is known about the date 21-Dec-2012. The date ended a 5,000-year Mayan calendar. The Mayans were known to have accurately predicted several events that took place in history. The Mayans only indicated that something of great global impact will happen on 21-12-2012: not necessarily the destruction of the world.

Personally, I don’t believe the world will end on that day.

By now you are probably asking yourself “Where is the controversy he promised?”.  If you belong to that group, I say “Patience. In a second you rumor monger :-)”

Stay with me now. Let’s go with the second scenario i.e., something “huge” happens but we still get to wake up the day after, and do whatever it was we had planned.

But wait a minute, what happened? You went to bed on the 21st and woke up on the 22nd. The wars in various parts of the world are still going on; the protesters didn’t miss a beat; and the most newsworthy item in the morning papers was the politician caught with his hands in the ministry’s cookie jar?

Glad you wondered, and here is where it starts to get interesting.

The “real” Anti-Christ will be born on the 21-Dec-2012. How do I know? Well, if you asked that question, I can only respond by asking you (like a true Nigerian – a question for a question), “I hope the cold that is freezing my face is not slowing down your brain?”. Fact is, I mentioned from the beginning I am just putting an alternative hypothesis out there: one with an equal chance of being true – just as any of the beliefs of the “Preppers” out there. If someone can believe some superior alien being is going to fly by the earth in an intergalactic space ship (“Beam me up Scotty!”) and whisk them away before the world is reduced to a burnt out pile of molten rock, we can give my proposition an equal chance of occurrence eh?

I am sure most people will agree with me that such an event (the Anti-Christ being born) has global significance.

So what has that got to do with the average Joe on the street, you may ask (or wonder)?

Well, if the Anti-Christ is alive, the end of this system of things can’t be far behind. But before you go selling all your property and putting it all on one final “around the world in 80 days” holiday, consider this: the fellow would still be a baby, and since the Devil’s precedence is to “fake” the originals created by the big “man” in the sky (the creator of all things), we shouldn’t expect to see any action from his “son” until the boy is at least 30 years old.

So barring something else killing you such as age, accident, disease or a localized meteor strike, that is some good news for sinners (which many of us are :-). That’s 30 additional years for people to get their sh*t together and choose (hopefully) the right side (before events make the decision for you).

Well, that’s enough bulls*it for one day.

And since everyone has (long since) taken to putting up all the mundane sh*t that happens to them online, here are a few from me. Besides this is an online diary so I can put up anything here right?


It’s not like I am twitting it or facebooking it, is it?

1. I got a new electric toothbrush.

2. I am expecting a scaler in the mail soon. I want to do some damage to the plaque (and hopefully not to my gum) before my next visit to the dentist.

3. I am bidding for some stuff on ebay.

4. I got on a scale this morning. The scale was accurate, but I didn’t agree with the figure on the digital display anyway. I think I am smarter than some digital thingsmadoogle whose “brain” is not bigger than my big toe and who can’t even speak to boot. So who you gonna believe – me or that immobile thing on the floor?

Are you listening Lord?

Are you listening Lord?

Just before I called it quits for the day, I was lying on my bed with my eyes on the ceiling when I suddenly had an awareness of someone else in the room.

Then I heard a voice ask, “What bothers you?”

I heard the voice yet not a single sound echoed in the room – yet to all intent and purposes I did hear the voice.

I do not know why, but I said out loud, “Lord, can I ask you a question.”

And the reply, “Ask away.”

So I said “Lord, will I ever get married.”

“Son, there are Pauls and there are Peters; Stephens and Judases. If I say yes, you will ask to whom. If I tell you, you will want to know what she is like. If I describe her, you will ask when. If I tell you, you will want to know how. If I say how, you will want a phone number.  Then you will call her and tell her I said so. While there is nothing wrong in that, you would have destroyed your chance at growth; the joy of discovery.

“Lord, will I be rich”

“What is your definition of rich? Rich enough to live comfortably? Rich enough to buy anything – knowing fully well that the destruction of man starts with his endless wants. If I say no, you will lose all faith in life and probably me. You will become a walking brooding shell of a man, and watch life go past you – a self-fulfilling prophesy.

“Will I live long”
“If I say yes, you will want to know how long. Then you will sit down and start estimating how much of your life you can afford to live without me. Then when the time comes, between you and the Devil, you will most likely end of with him. Besides, it is not how long but how well. Stephen didn’t spend as much time as I did on earth, yet he was one of the first to behold heaven on earth.”

“Lord, will you always be there for me?”

“No I won’t – not in the way you want. You are all grown up now with decisions to make. You must learn to depend on people and be there for others. But once you have done as much as you can, I will always do the rest. So if it appears I am not listening, there is no need to shout (even your whispers and thoughts are as crashing cymbals in heaven). There just may be something you still need to do.  

“Lord, will I wake up tomorrow.”

“Say your prayers; make peace with God. That way, whether you live or die, it matters little.”

“Goodnight Lord.”

“Goodnight son. Have a good night’s rest. And if things go bump in the dark, keep thy peace for I am near.”

24/10/2005 (found this today while cleaning out some old docs in my room. Had no title)